All My Love, Lily
by Moony8193
Summary: Lily writes a letter to James expressing her true feelings for him...what happens when James returns the letter? COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I know, I know. It's been awhile since Danielle and I have posted anything on here. We both just started school...so it hasn't exactly been fun around here. But for those of you who read Marauder Confidential, we're SO sorry about the wait ( especially Silver Ice- our only faithful reviewer:-). we PROMISE it's being worked on.) That'll be up soon. And for those of you who read the Last of Lily Evans, Danielle's finishing the next chapter, which I do believe will be the last one, according to her. So thanks for reading this story,and please leave a review!

Disclaimer: Nope. Not mine.

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Dear James-

I should probably say this to you in person. I think that's how this sort of thing is supposed to go. But I've never really been good at talking about my feelings- something I suppose you've noticed over these past years. Except, of course, anger and resentment. I never seemed to have problems expressing those. And now I'm getting off track. Great. Just how I wanted this letter to go.

I remember in fourth grade writing a poem that went something like' I sit and watch the world parade past/a tidal wave of change crashes down outside my window pane/ I sit and watch the world parade past, and smile as it happens. . My teacher thought this was a sign I was too afraid to plunge into anything. She wrote to my parents, and I remember my dad being so disappointed. I don't want to disappoint you too, James. I'm ready to plunge, even if it means I have to jump in front of a crazed carriage of frenzied horses parading past and get trampled. Oh dear. I suppose I'm babbling again. Especially since you probably don't know what I'm talking about in the first place. I'm not crazy. I'm really not. But at this point I probably sound like it.

So in order to try to make this as quick and painless as possible, I should probably just say this. I-. That's it. I can't write this. I feel foolish enough already. But my owl is staring at me with her large amber eyes, daring me. "Do it, Lily. Just say it. Get it over with. The worst thing that can happen is that he'll hate you for eternity." And if I ever send this letter, I know you'll be reading this with a puzzled undertone to your hazel eyes, and a slight line of confusion etched into your forehead, saying, " Why do you care if I hate you? You already hate me." But that's so far from the truth. You've been so much better this past year, that I couldn't help but notice.

Unfortunately, you also got a new girlfriend this year. Your 3-month anniversary is in two days. I've been keeping track of this, but it seems hopeless as of now that you'll somehow fall out of love with her and back in love with me in the 2 months we have remaining in our 7th year. As my friend Alice would say, " Stranger things have happened." But I ruined it. I pushed you away, and then the last time you asked me out, I mercilessly SHOVED you away. The truth is I didn't want anyone to get that close to me. After my parents died, I didn't think I deserved to be happy again. I wasn't there to protect them the day Voldemort came and killed them both. And I realize now it's not my fault. But so much more is.

And as I'm writing this, the tears are falling as I realize just how much I've hurt you. I can vividly remember all the times I've turned you down, and how the brightness in your eyes seemed to die a little. And your smile seemed to lose so much of that glow. And that **_is_** something that is my entire fault. Sirius used to give me such nasty looks in the corridors. I remember being puzzled as to the reason why. I was too blind to realize that I had hurt his best friend, changed his personality forever.

And, when you think about it, I really don't deserve to be happy. I failed my parents the day they died. And whenever I say that, people shake their heads and sigh, saying it's not my fault. But still, its something I feel guilty for. That, and the way I killed your spirit are two things I'll never forgive myself for.

But I've also realized something else. Life's not always fair. It can deal some really cruel cards sometimes, but you just have to keep waiting for the next card to make you happy again. And you know what? That card always comes. And with you by my side, I think that card could always be on top.

In case you still don't understand what I'm saying, I'll just tell you now. I'm brave enough, I think. _I love you_. It's true. I really, really do. And if life sees fit to throw another nasty card my way by you saying you could never forgive me for the way I've treated you, then I suppose I'll just have to live with it. But I also think, or rather, I know that you need me the way I need you. We were meant to be together, no matter our obstacles in the past. Because that's where I want to leave all of my troubles- in the past. To forgive and forget is something people should do a lot more often, and it's something I need you to do. Except don't forget us, James- or rather, the vision you had of us. Because I can't seem to give you up. And even though you gave up on me a long time ago, I'll never give you up. I won't. I simply _can't._

All my love,

_ Lily_

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A/N: Soo...did you like it? Hate it? Think it was confusing? Depressing? Leave a review please and tell me what you think!

-Kristen


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Well, here it is. The final chapter. It was a little hard to write James' letter back, especially since I hadn't originally planned on doing that. Reviews are always appreciated, and if you think it was really bad, you're welcome to say that too.

Disclaimer: Lily and James aren't mine. Lauren is though. YAY!

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Dear Lily-

I don't know what to say. For the first time in my life, I admit. I always have something to say. But this time, I really don't. I suppose I should begin by saying that I agree with you. Life's not fair. If it was, you'd have said this to me months ago, and I would never have fallen so deeply in love with Lauren.

In your letter, you mentioned things that you were sorry for. One of the things I'm sorry for is that I can't love you anymore. Lauren is my life, my love, my everything. I could leave her as easily as I could fly around the world in a second. After you rejected me for the last time, I was so broken. And Lauren comforted me, helped me, loved me in a way that I knew you never would. And slowly but surely, I fell in love with her. Love's a wonderful feeling, Lily. I hope that you someday find someone who will love you for the wonderful person you truly are- and I'm only sorry for the pain that this will cause you before then.

-James

At least that's what I would love to be able to write. But I can't lie to you, Lily- you're one of the few that I always have to be true to. And the truth is that I never stopped loving you. And I don't love Lauren. Merlin, it feels good to say that. The past three months have been a big lie, smiling and laughing around her when I know I still wish she was you. Everyone is convinced that Lauren and I will get married after we leave school, and _I_ know I couldn't have done that. No matter how terrible I feel for Lauren (she is a nice girl, and it's wrong to lead her on) I couldn't have spent my life with anyone but you.

You mentioned in your letter that you were sorry for hurting me. And you're right about one thing- you hurt me desperately. I thought for ages that no one could ever love me, and I put on a suit of armor bravely, never again letting anything pierce me. Sirius then met Lauren, when I'd hit rock bottom, and he endlessly threw her at me. " What a nice girl she is, James" and " She's always be there for you, unlike Lily" and " She's beautiful, smart, kind- everything you've ever wanted." Little did Sirius know that you were all I ever wanted, and no one could take that away. But since I supposed Lauren could eventually learn to fill second place in my heart, I accepted Sirius' advice and began dating her. She is kind, smart, pretty- everything Sirius said she would be. But I always knew that our relationship would start on a downward slope soon enough, and no matter how hard she tried to capture my heart, she just couldn't.

I don't know if you know this Lily, but I was going to break up with her soon anyway. I have a feeling that Sirius is beginning to love her, and its really not fair to keep what he deserves. He's a wonderful friend, no matter how crazy, and I hope you know that wherever I go, he follows. You take me, you take him too. He's part of the package.

Now that I've basically told you everything about me and my feelings over the last few months, I sincerely hope that everything works out for the best. And I have but one more thing to say to you before I leave to go talk to Lauren:

_**I love you, Lily Marie Evans. I never gave up on us. And I never will.**_

Love, Love, Love,

James

P.S. Tell your owl thanks for me.

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Now that you've read, please review!

-Kristen


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